Definition of Insane

Definition of Insane

See,
You broke my heart

And now I am forever chasing the images of you in other people

Your smile in Jay

Your eyes in troy

Your warmth in Ryan

And your unavailability in all of them

It seems like every guy I manage to end up with

They’re compared to the image of you in my mind

And though I can no longer see your face in them

I still know that they could never match you

Or cut through

The expectations you

Have built in my mind

And though I try to construe

Of this, I yet again pursue

Another you

My plans just fall through

Because I don’t know how to

Make do, and like a fool who loves pain

I get another tattoo

To hide my shame

And I continuously complain

About the experiments I have made

Over and over again

But the results are always the same

Einstein was right

I must be crazy

Searching fr you in another human being

Accepting the same treatment

And expecting different meanings

He yells at because he doesn’t know how to express himself

And lies to me cause he’s been hurt before

Again and again

I chase these ballers, shot callers, and sweet boys

And their hearts always end up broken

Because every day that I’m with them

Every night I am forced to remember

That they are not you

That they could never be you

 

I conduct the same science experiments every time

And rack my brain

When my data table is full of the same crap

The same results

And I continuously look for a change,

But then I realize

I am the definition
Of insane

Greatful Hateful

You came into my life

At a terrible time

When everything was awry.

But somehow,

You turned the worst week

Into the best weekend

I’ve had in a very long time

When you showed me

Who you really were

I was surprised to see

You were a diamond in the rough.

That you were like me

You held your values

Like you held a snarky remark

At the tip of your tongue.

But deep down inside

You scare me

Cause when you’re not here

I miss you just a little bit.

And when you are here

I give you all my attention

But maybe that’s where I went wrong.

You had me wide open

And anything could’ve happened

And everything did.

You treated me like I didn’t matter

Played with me like an old video

That,

At the first sign of difficulty

You threw the controller

And walked the other way

Because there were other games

That you could play on your other game systems

You played me like I was your PS3

I said I would never take you for granted

But as I said those words

I ignored the signs that

You were already taking me for granted

Taking advantage

Of my smiles

And bussing them open

So they displayed what you wanted

So your words were hammered into my mouth

So my joy was only a reflection of your own

I was forever grateful to you

Because you made my life easier

The hard times, softer

But now forever’s time is up

And this gratefulness

Has turned into eternal

Hatefulness.

Recognize

Switch off the lights

And reach into the darkness

Recognize the lies you’ve been telling yourself

For so long

Recognize the lines

That divide

The top from the bottom

The start from the finish

The me … from you

Recognize there is more to life

Than the material

Than the money you continuously spend

To impress people you can’t stand.

People who don’t even matter.

We should recognize the signs

That we are no longer living our own lives

But struggling under the conformity

Of society.

This society.

Unintentionally but underminingly

They keep undermining me

But at the same the same time surprising me

At how precisely

They keep hitting their targets:

The minds of our children

And all the while we sit back

And let it happen.

We sit here and wonder

Where we went wrong inside their lives

Not knowing that when your son

Started sagging his pants

And spewing out the garbage

The media has shoved down his throat

And into his digestive tract

At the tender age of eight

That he would not excrete the waste

                                                             In 2-5 days, like he just ate a piece of steak

And it wouldn’t leave his system

Within a month

Like that one time

Your mama caught you smoking

Weed in the back yard.

But it would seep into his brain

And change the way he thinks.

Change the way he walks

The way he talks

Until the kid that is now staring,

Standing in front of you

Is no longer the son you had given birth to.

Don’t be a piece of paper

That society has lain on top of you

And written everything they want you to be

And imprinted it into you

Recognize that you are not

A carbon copy

That you’re an individual

That you are special.

That you were born an original

Please don’t die a duplicate

L O V E M E

L O V E M E

Is the words she carved into her skin

knowing the crevices she had just created

with that rusty kitchen knife

would make no difference to her " Mother "

This wooman had six other kids

that she only claimed in public

As I looked around this house,

filled with so many things,

but it was much too empty

to be called a home

I spotted that old Christmas picture

Photographed in 1998.

It was just of me, Her, and my father.

Things were good back then ...

Before Daddy ran of with that tramp

from down the block

Before she started drinking and smoking pot

Before she retreated so deep within herself

that those little magic white rocks were the only thing

that brought her back to life.

But witht the life it gave her,

it fueled her with anger and paranoia

With the life it gave her

she no longer recognized me as her precious angel

no longer spoke in those soft, soothing tones.

Insead,

She spoke in shrieks of anger

Profanity decoration her words

like skeletons strung up during Halloween.

The hands she used to stroke my hair with,

so lovingly

became knife-like claws that tore at my scalp

Became prints across my skin

Documented by the blue and purple bruises

that always appeared in the Morning.

And like a ritual I'd cover them up with concealer

and act like it never happend.

Never mind the fact that my skin would be so tender

that even when the wind blew a caressing breeze

it would hurt so much

but i'd pretend it didnt happen anyway,

As a way to hide my shame away

I'd shove it all behind my bright smile

and act like eveything was alright

I'm only her daughter when the mood strikes her,

but i wish i could strike her like she struck me 

and left me bleeding on the bathroom floor.

Strike her like she let him strike me,

like i was his child.

Like i wasnt the daughter she had given birth to

as she sat in that chair,

and watched him beat the life and blood out of me

while she got high

Strike her cause i was angry

strike her cause i was hurt

cause i was done pleading with God to take the pain away

cause it would just repeat.

Day after Day

She spoke to me less like her daughter,

and more like the hired help of a person

Born into money.

Only speaking in insults, sarcasm, and documented anger

Kept track by the broken vases

That I repeatedly had to sweep up off the floor

And pick up out of the carpets.

L O V E M E

Was the words she carved into her naked skin

Exposed stomach, she raised that blade and acrved it again.

L O V E M E

Was the last words she carved into her skin

Before raisinf that revolver

Putting it to her head

And painting her "mothers" room

Red with her fresh

blood.

Like A Child

See now,

Like a jealous child

You thought you could easily take what I already got.

You’re not confident enough in yourself to be me.

That’s why you chasin’ ain’t it?

My style; I'm fly

The way my eyes crinkle when I smile

Like a child

You thought he would fall in love with you

For the same reasons he fell in love with me.

But baby girl,

You’re not smart enough to attain a man.

Cause when you lay it all out there

Without a care,

Ankles never meeting

Cause your legs are always in a succession,

Never progressing,

Always suppressing your original expression

But you need to have a closed session

Cause when you offer up yourself like that

You take away the chase

And when he’s done with you

He’ll just walk away.

See now,

You thought you were special

Cause he was with you for a second.

But you were a mistake,

One he would never waste

Time and revel in

Cause like Thea Monyee said:

“Your pussy’s not deep enough to fall in

love with,”

Cause if anyone can turn you on

Like a light bulb

You ain’t nothing special.

So stop thinking you can be me,

Cause not everybody can be a queen.

You can’t turn a ho in to a housewife

So don’t yourself.

You thought when I left

You would fit perfectly

Cut, Photo shopped, and framed

Edited like MySpace photo

Cropped in

Right where I used to be
But in reality

I’m still here

I was never really gone

Cause my presence is too big to be ignore

Considering that in life,

I’m his main component.

I’m baffled as to why

You would even try this

Cause you were a friend

And I was your best friend

And even before I was gone

Your true colors showed.

And you showed me

Your feathers are much different from mine

That’s why I could never flap my wings

And fly with you

You don’t respect yourself

The crown you once wore

Is now discarded on the floor

Your once beautiful gold crown

Is now a shanti tin can at the age of 13.

There’s no one you could blame for your life

Cause with the cards you were dealt

You could have one this poker game.

You can’t blame me for losing

You can’t blame me for your life

Cause I’ve done nothing to wrong you

You bit my hand when I fed you

And your siblings

All 8 of y’all

You try to be me,

But you cant imitate royalty

Because both you and I know

How it ends in the movie

And trust me when I say
Your no Anastasia

Beach Ave.

Love lost

Hope gone

Death Shrines on every corner,

After a while they all start to blur and look the same.

 

I grew up on the corner of Beach Ave,

I went to sleep to the sound of gunshots

That sometimes woke me in the middle of the night

The air was polluted with the smells of

Gasoline, sulfur, cigarettes, and Marijuana

The friend that I made the day before,

Died in a puddle of blood,

Shot in the head on the corner of Beach Ave.

 

I walked past the rust colored pavement

Everyday
For months

Until the rain, sleet, and snow

Washed it away.

The next week,

I saw the news,

Another person dead on the on the street

Gunshot victim,

Bullet to the Abdomen

Another Body

Another shrine

All on Beach Ave

All on my street.

 

Some nights I lie awake and wonder

Of all the gunshots I hear

How many shrines will I see

When the sun comes up?

How many news reports would pretend to care

About the dead kids?

Gone because of gang violence

All because they couldn’t escape the streets.

I remember a guy I liked who lived

On the street right behind mine

I was young,

Barely ten years old

We met up at the park every day.

And one day he didn’t show up.

Every day I went

And every day he failed to show up.

This went on for about a week.

I was too scared to watch the news.

But I didn’t have to.

There was a shrine

Right on the corner of Beach Ave.

This city fueled us with venom,

Feeding us with poison

City of Lights

But this city never shed its light on us.

All we got was empty new reports

And scared tenants

Too broke to move out of the hood

And too broke for a funeral

So they put up shrines

And lit candles and sang sad songs,

Strung up pictures of their loved one

And sent prayers upward

Pleading with God to protect their baby

Who had died so young

On the corner of Beach Ave

The city of lights never looked back on us,

To clean up the gang violence

We lived 5 blocks from a police station,

So why would it take nearing an hour

Before they got here

Thanksgiving of ‘06 I witnessed a mugging

On the corner of Beach Ave

All the while wondering

Why are you stealing on the holiday of giving?

 

After years living in this dark place,

Where the City of Lights didn’t even bother

To shed the light inside of her

You get used to seeing blood everywhere.

You get used to seeing knife fights

And hearing gun wars in the middle of the night

You get used to seeing the crap

That we made of this block

And this becomes the norm.

 

You get used to seeing the hatred

The broken liquor bottles on the street,

The blood on the street signs

The vicious dogs that almost killed me

When I was almost nine

The fresh spot of blood that wasn’t there the night before

All on the corner of 1534 Beach Ave

Society Says

I hear the whispers.

I hear them talking.

Saying hurtful things about me as if I had no emotions, no feelings.

As if I was a statue that they could openly mock.

I see the stares.

I see the side looks, and side glances,

The open sneers.

I see that they hate me.

I feel the eyes.

Feel them as they burn into the back of my neck

Feel their eyes on me in the corridor,

On my way to class, or even on the street.

Waiting,

Just waiting for me to slip up.

To make a mistake.

So I try my hardest

To make myself presentable.

Smile,

Straighten my posture,

Keep my head up

Look forward as I walk with grace

Turn up my music

As I drown out the stares

I hear them talking

I see the stares.

I hear the words,

They say I’m fake

Say that I’m booji

Say that I think that I’m better than everybody else

So I shut my mouth and conform

Reform

Deform

Deform my thoughts,

Degrade my body

Devalue myself.

Because Society says skinny is Beautiful

That it’s acceptable to starve yourself

As long as you stay tiny.

Society Says

No one likes a girl that speaks her mind

So I sit here with

An empty expression

And keep my thoughts at bay

Society Says,

No one likes a girl with her own style

So I conform

And transform myslef into

The "cool" girls in the hallway,

And transform there thoughts into mine.

Society says

That light skin is the “right skin”

That dark skin isn’t beautiful

That its not as appealing

So we,

Run to the store

And shove bleaching cream

And anything else that works

Into our shopping carts

Right next to the babys formula

Inbetween the diapers

Spending thousands of dollars

Just to strip away the melanin

And become an “acceptable” skin tone.

And then we teach our kids

What Society has taught us

And wonder why

The world's mindset

Is so twisted.

Society says,

That there are certain rules

That we must live by.

Society says,

That skinny is beautiful,

More womanly.

And if you’re big,
You’re ugly.

But in reality.

Society

Is the only ugly one I see.

Your beautiful.

Just

The way

You are.

And you should never

feel anything other than that.

"All little girls should be told

that they are pretty,

even if they aren't"

-- Marilyn Munroe